I showered at 5:00pm, and when I say showered, I mean that I took a bath and put on "real clothes"

I just need to put a few things out there before I start this mother, mostly just so you know what you are getting into before you read on:
1) Almost every thought that goes through my head is politically incorrect.  I do run those through a small filter before they come out of my mouth or onto this blog, but know that most likely I will offend you at some point in this journey.
2) I am not a very private person.  If I think it, I usually say it.  I like to be as authentic as I can about my personal beliefs, thoughts and opinions.  The only things I don't talk about openly are things that affect my relationships with other people (husband, friends, kids).  Therefore my style may come off as a little "TMI" for your taste.  That's okay, only read if you're interested.
3) I don't claim to be an expert in anything besides making an ass of myself.  And that field I have polished and honed into a fine art.
4) I have a bit of a sailor's mouth.  I always have.  At some periods of my life I have learned to suppress that desire but right now isn't one of those times.  I'm going to start on that tomorrow.
5) I used to dabble in the blog world about 4 years ago for family memories and such.  Otherwise I have little experience with blogging.  I am a little rusty but am hoping to dust off the old techy fingers and really hypercoagulate into the mainframe.
6) I am very fickle when it comes to my eating habits.  I will post recipes on here occasionally.  Some will be heinously fattening and delicious and some will be healthy and mediocre (seriously, how often can you use the terms "healthy" and "heinously delicious" in the same sentence?).  Sometimes I diet but not often.  I'm going to start on that tomorrow.
7) I may or may not use fragment or run on sentences.  Sometimes necessary.  And sometimes I will stare at a sentence for five minutes to decide if I placed a comma in the correct place, or if it needed a comma at all. Just like this last sentence.  Five minutes wasted.  I can't be pulling that kind of monkey shine if i'm going to spend a lot of time blogging.  Commas will be bastardized.

I feel a little better about myself now.  The purpose of my blog is a little selfish in motive.  I really love making people happy.  I have learned over the years that I really like to get a reaction out of people.  Mostly I just love to shock the hell out of you.  In fact, I thrive off of that.  I try to keep a high ratio of shenanigans and sarcasm in my life because I love to laugh.  I love to make you laugh because it makes me laugh and soon we are all peeing our pants.  Please let me make you soil yourself.  It gives me a sense of accomplishment.  See how selfish I am?  Okay, the true underlying motive for me right now is that I am needing to be inspired.  My soul is craving some inspiration and you are so damn inspiring to me.  I am hoping that by putting my thoughts out there into the cyber universe, I am going to get some karma back.  I am looking for something and i'm not sure exactly what it is yet.  I'm going to let you know when I find it.

Alright, onto something specific for today:

Just know right from the start that I am a workout junkie.  Funny that I can call myself that considering I have never set foot in a "globo gym" other than maybe a spin class here or there.  Oh, and one time I went to Candice's body pump class (if you don't know Candice Bement, you should check out her health blog: www.bodyofamother.com, she's fantastic).  A little over 3 years ago, I was introduced to an amazing program called GPP Fitness (www.gppfit.com) located in Centerville.  I have been completely and hopelessly in love with it to the point that I almost never miss a day.  It's my playground.

I hate it when my phone calls interrupt my workout.
 More on that specifically later, but know that it will pretty much go without saying that my daily routine involves going to the gym, getting nice and sweaty, wiping out my arm pits and continuing on with the rest of my day in the same clothes.  I am a gross human.  

Sometimes I find it necessary to help a friend stay fresh and clean.
Unfortunately for myself, my husband may not find crusty sweat a turn on, therefore I will try to hop into the tub for a little scrub down right before he gets home.  This gives off "the impression" that I have some dignity.

The alternate title for this post could be: "Today I joined the ranks of depressed Utah moms and gots me a prescription for Paxil."  Hooray for crazy people.  Ya, today is a momentous day for me as I have been ABSOLUTELY MORTIFIED to get on any sort of anti-depressant.  I think I will make a blog post about this specifically sometime this week.  Why am I telling you this?  Because it was a big frickin decision for me.  One I have been trying to make for the last 12 years.  I am a totally nervous.  I'd like to document all the good and bad effects it has so that maybe it will not only help me gain perspective, but I can gain some from you if you've had experience with this.  Also, if I shave my head and start blurting out vulgar obscenities, let's blame the medication.  But don't blame the medication for this:

This is what totally non-depressed, normal people do often.  And should.

Since I have no sponsors but realize that a totally fun and successful blogs often have giveaways from their sponsors, I am sponsoring myself.  

I am excited to announce my first giveaway!

Rules of the giveaway:

1. Please comment on my post.  I base my self-worth on how many comments I get.  Remember, I just got on anti-depressants.  You don't want me to feel bad.  I might kill myself.

2. Please spread the word about my blog to your friends, family, mistresses, and clergy.

3. Perhaps it would be nice if you slutted out your Facebook wall with a little shout out?  

4.  I am thinking #3 is more of a rule than a question, so it stays.

The Booty:

So I have this huge TV sitting in my garage.  It came with the house when we moved in.  What really happened is the last owners were too lazy to move it.  I believe I remember his words being something like: "I'm not sure if it works, but I am sure you could pay to have someone look at it.  I bet if you paid to fix it, it'd be worth more than you paid for it."  See guys?  What i'm offering to you is more of an investment.  Today's moral lesson was supposed to be on finding the diamond in the rough.  I got busy heating up leftovers for dinner and didn't get around to posting about that.  But this giveaway is a fine teaching moment.  If you are the lucky winner, please come pick it up within a week.  I need to be able to fit my car into the garage.  

Until tomorrow friends...


  1. Please, don't pick me. Although i did actually LOL when I saw the tv photo, the last thing I need is more of other people's furniture. Unless, of course, you are willing to store it in your garage for me.

  2. Ahahahaha! I'm looking forward to more of the same. You definitely made me laugh.

    Enjoy the Paxil. I've never had any, but Effexor is lovely stuff. I miss it. On the other hand, getting up before noon is kind of important, so yeah. No more lovely stuff.

    And, this comment isn't a valid entry for your giveaway. We have a TV. One. And it's too many.

  3. U r hysterical! But please don't pick me!

  4. Awesome Kenzie! Can't wait to read more about your shenanigans! :)

    ali moll (Prozac is my drug of choice!)

  5. Now I don't have to search the GPP comments to get my laugh for the day. This should be good.