Getting authentic and laser boobs.
Labels:
authentic
·
A couple of weeks ago, I decided on a whim to drive them down the Thanksgiving Point Ancient History Museum after school (we have season passes there because it's right next to Tommy's office). We got done about 5:30 and decided to stop at Chuck A Rama on the way home. Now just understand that I have only been to Chuck A Rama one other time in my life and my kids have never gone. I have NEVER seen their little spirits on such a high in their lives. The fact that they could CHOOSE their own food AND have an ungodly amount of dessert was blowing their minds right then. It bought us their cooperation for at least 3 hours.
While I was enjoying a running therapy session with Katie yesterday, we got into a very insightful ah-ha moment that I wanted to write about. Mostly because I have found that if I put it down in writing, I receive better clarity on my own thoughts. I am wondering if you can relate any of this to yourself...
I am an inauthentic person. Most of us are. What I mean by that is that over the years, we have created stories about ourselves because of the things that occur in our lives. The real eye opener for me over this past weekend was to identify what stories I have told myself over the years, where they came from, and how I then have taken that view and started looking for evidence to support it in almost every aspect of my life. Separating the stories from the incident itself and realizing that what's left is just reality, just a fact that happened and that it didn't define me, opened the door to empowering myself over the things that have riddled my life with misery.
When I was 7 (ish) years old, I was molested repeatedly by a neighbor boy several years older than me. A few years later, I was molested again by a different neighbor boy who was also several years older than me. They were completely unrelated incidences. That was my incident. The story that I told myself because of that incident was that I have no control over my situation, I have no worth beyond my body, I am not loved, I am not important to other people, and that i'm ordinary. That is just a story, it is not reality. Of course people love me, of course I am important to my kids, my husband, my friends, and of course I have control over my own situations. All these years I have confused the story with the incident. My payoff was that I was right and someone else was wrong. I was justified in being a victim. It was my right to be sad, depressed, angry and frustrated. Just throw me into the pile with the millions of other people in the world that have gone through what I went through and i'm just another ordinary victim of sexual abuse. By telling myself these stories and getting the payoff of being justified, the ultimate outcome of this was that I had thrown off the responsibility for my own situation. Again, I had a right to be depressed. But that just isn't working for me, 20 years later i'm still in the same vicious cycle of thought. There is always a cost with every payoff that I get. And that cost has been meaningful and emotionally expressive relationships with other people. I have lost the ability to love and be loved from people I have craved closeness with over the years. And the costs have been devastating to me. When I realized that the payoffs were not worth the costs, and that I am ultimately empowered to choose whether I continue getting my payoffs or do what i'm scared to do and be fearless, it was the most liberating feeling I have felt in my life.
Am I getting too serious here? Do I need to throw this in to make you smile for an intermission?:
Here is my point about being inauthentic: I learned to be an outgoing, sarcastic, life of the party kind of gal when I have felt completely blah and apathetic to my own feelings. This makes me feel like I can't be fully expressive because who the hell wants to hang around a depressed person? I am done with that story. By being fearless (frick, this will take some trial and error), I believe that I can be completely emotionally honest and expressive and be clever as hell at the same time. I am going to get what I want out of my life. And part of what I want is to inspire others that you can get the same thing. I for sure don't have everything figured out and am accepting that I probably come off as a hot mess, but secretly I like that because it's just how I feel inside being manifested on the outside. Perhaps I can be relatable.
On a random note: I was searching my camera roll on my phone for a certain picture and caught this one that was taken on accident yesterday when we were doing human back squats:
I found it interesting that this was the face I just happened to be making at that moment and starting to recognize a pattern for me:
I am a crusty ho. Actually, if I were to go along with the theme of this post, the actual reality is that I pull this same face often. The story that i'm telling myself is that I'm a crusty ho. See what i've learned? Life changing.
I wanted this blog to be a little more about fitness and my love for it when I started and realized that this is just what came spewing out when I started trying to be more authentic. I have some realizations about how these inauthenticities have shaped me as an athlete as well. I will be working on that post shortly. Perhaps I need to keep the serious thoughts a little more sparse so you don't want to gauge your eyes out with your drinking straw every time you read my blog. I promise shorter posts in the future. And I promise to include all the totally inappropriate and offensive things that I do because something inside me wants to make you laugh that guilty and awkward laugh that leaves you wondering what the hell just happened. Like shooting lasers out of my boobs and poking my friend in the nipple while wearing lingerie in public.
I'm just catering to my strengths here.
Questions:
1) When my posts are this long, do you tend to skim over and should I keep them shorter so I keep your attention?
2) If you answered #1, this means you are actually reading my blog. Hooray.
3) #2 was not really a question, did you catch that?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Very fun to read. Great writer and way insightful :-) love it
ReplyDeleteIn the spirit of being authentic here, I'm going to actually comment instead of just reading for free. The blog is a success so far. You are inspiring me and entertaining me at the same time. It's been really refreshing to read something so honest. Thanks for throwing yourself out there on the world wide web - You girl, got gumption!
ReplyDeleteI love it...Took me $15,000 and 4 surgeries to figure out my issues weren't those...eh hem....issues...Authentic, Better than Be Yourself. You are amazing. I think you are inspiring. This puts lose your story in a whole new light.
ReplyDeleteLove this post Kenzie, and all of your posts so far! You are funny, serious, honest, inspiring, real, and fabulous! Love getting to know you through this blog! I "know" your through the GPP comments, although I have been MIA for a few months now due to bulging discs in my neck (lame!), but hope to be back soon! Keep up the bloggin', workin' out, and everything else! :)
ReplyDeleteI don't skim, am reading, and did catch that #2 wasn't a question.
ReplyDeleteIn future posts, could you start referring to me as Gail, because you are quickly becoming Oprah. Love you and your writing.
Love your posts, honesty, and hilarious verbal spew. I know you will always keep things real, yet interesting. It's a facinating combination which makes you all the more unique and lovable. I might have to join you and not-so-blondish on some thought provoking/processing runs.
ReplyDeleteWet metal
I'm so sorry to hear about the awful things that happened to you as a child. That is my greatest fear as a mother. I think you're a great writer and that your blog is a fun read.
ReplyDeletelove you and all your spew. We have lots to chat about... lets go for a run. preferably in our lingerie. and bad ass socks cause it will be funner.
ReplyDeletemmmk.
Love this blog. You got chops chica.
ReplyDeleteI look to be inspired. That I have been! Being honest and real takes balls. Like the "putting your purse down and strapping on a pair" kind. Hilarious, honest and fun getting to know you better. As if I wasn't inspired enough by being in the same room as you while you storm workouts.
ReplyDelete