I am taking off my training pants and moving my blog to the big leagues.

Hi flyboys and homegirls, I haven't posted for awhile and that is because I have been working on getting my blog off of blogger and getting my own domain!  

Please view my blog by going to: www.sarcasminspandex.com
(no more .blogspot.com)

Be patient with me for a few more days while I teach myself all of the new backend stuff that currently reads like Japanese to me on the new hosting system and then it is game on.  It may look like a 5 year old is designing it for a few weeks until I hit blogging puberty.  This is serious shiz about to go down...

As always, I appreciate you giving me a read.  It has truly brought me so much happiness and fulfillment in the connections I've made with all of you in the few short weeks since this blog was birthed.  Please help me spread the word about my new blog address!

Smoochy doo,


Stuffing veggies down the pie hole & getting familiar with balls.

I have been re-reading a book called "Original Fast Foods" that I bought a few years ago after it came highly suggested by a friend of mine that I consider to be a very wise source for clean eating and a healthy lifestyle.

Don't be frightened by the creepy pioneer kids.
I almost didn't read the book because the cover was so lame.
I am that kind of person.
I read it about 5 years ago before I was really into health and fitness.  I pulled it out again because I have been trying to decide the best way for me to fuel my body for racing and working out in general.  As I have been reading it the second time, I have found myself taking a lot more interest in it.  The premise of the book is advocating a lifestyle diet that is comprised mostly of what the author calls "original fast foods".  These would be the things that he believes God put on the earth for the purpose of consumption.  The book definitely has a spiritual tone but the logic behind his ideas seem very sound to me.  The goal = eat foods in as close to their natural state as possible.  Processing, cooking, and preserving foods have become so prevalent that most of what we eat now has become almost unrecognizable from it's original form in terms of vitamins, minerals, enzymes and nutrient density.  When I read these kinds of books my natural reaction is to be very excited and ready to take it all on.  As soon as I start to try and implement it, I begin to feel overwhelmed.  One of the biggest problems with my current diet (thus what I feed my family) is that there is a severe lack of vegetables.  I can't stand them.  I would rather pull my nose hairs out with tweezers (Ya, I have some - so do you so don't act like you're alarmed and disgusted).  I know that I should be eating more of them.  I do enjoy most vegetables raw, and that's a good thing because that is the state at which you get the most benefit out of them.  Salads get so boring though.  I have decided to make a goal in baby steps proportions.  If I feel like something has to be all or nothing, I usually burn out and give up.

So here's my goal #1 towards healthier eating:

Find a way to stuff at least one raw leafy green down my pie hole each day.  I will also be "attempting" to get my family on board with this as well.

Why leafy greens?  They have the highest nutrient density of all foods on the planet.  As far as flavor, they are fairly mild compared to other vegetable types and therefore easier for me to stomach (kids too).  Some of the best leafy green vegetables are:
  • bok choy
  • cilantro
  • collards
  • dandelion greens
  • dark green cabbage
  • endive
  • fennel
  • kale
  • leaf lettuces
  • romaine lettuce
  • spinach
  • parsley
  • Swiss chard
  • turnip greens
  • onion greens
  • sprouted sunflower greens
  • wheat grass

Most of these are totally foreign to me.  I would like to get more familiar with them over the next month as I find out where to buy them and the most reasonable and likely ways that my family will eat them.  I have been good with spinach, kale, cilantro, leaf lettuces, and romaine.  For the last week, I have been adding a smoothie to our dinner with kale or chard in it.

These are both kale.  The one on the right is from Dick's grocery store for $2.79.  I found some organic already washed and bagged from Trader Joes today for $2.29.  Score.
I have been drinking green smoothies for years but my kids have a huge aversion to things with weird colors.  These particular smoothies turn out a dark red/orange color.  My kids actually love it.  I will post a picture and recipe tomorrow after I make it tonight and take pictures.  This is my first success.  I am sure smoothies will be old news too so I will be trying to get creative with some of the others on this list and ways to prepare them.  I will post as I go.  

We tried something new at the gym today: balancing balls.  When I first heard that Neil was buying giant bouncy balls for the gym, I thought it was major lame.  Mostly because I knew that I have zero balance and would surely be making an ass of myself.  Now you might be thinking "wait, Kenzie likes to make an ass of herself".  And I do, but only when I choose to do so - not because I truly am a moron.  Me trying to balance on a large ball = everyone seeing that I am completely void of skill in this area and subsequently rolling forward and curb checking my teeth on the nearest hard object.  So I decided the balls were lame.  Well folks, today I was forced to do something that I am totally uncomfortable with and try to balance on said large green ball for 10 minutes.  It was part of the workout.  I quickly realized that most people in the class were as equally retarded with them so I felt better about myself.  After practicing balancing on my butt (without feet touching the ball or the ground) for five minutes, then on my knees for five minutes I was feeling only slightly better about my situation.  I stayed after class for about 15 minutes and dinked around on them long enough to actually get a feel for it.

I think this may be possible!  As with most things that intimidate me, I just need to swallow my pride and practice over and over and over and over and eventually I can turn them into strengths.  I did this about two years ago with double unders.  I couldn't do one.  They came up enough in the workouts at the gym that I wanted to be able to do them.  I stayed after class and practiced them for about 5 minutes every day and after about 4 months I became a pretty swell double under-er.  In fact, I currently hold the GPP female record for most consectutive DU's (107).  Check out the video here.  I'd like to give a shout out to my bladder for not completely unraveling in a time of extreme challenge.  Holla.

I'd also like to give Katie a shout out for balancing on the largest, roundest ball of all - my rump.

See?  We truly are capable of doing hard things.    


1) What is your favorite leafy green and how do you eat it?

2) Now, be honest this time with the fact that you don't eat them either.  Now that we're being real here, which one would you like to try?

Please don't say that ever again.

Have you ever heard someone say something that makes you cringe and your left eye quiver from aversion?  I do often.  I keep a list.  I wouldn't be surprised if half of the things I write on this blog cause that same reaction in you.  I find so much satisfaction in this.  And here you are again so you must like it too.  
I heard one of these phrases yesterday at church.  In fact, a lot of the phrases on this list have come from many a Sundays sitting in a pew.  This has nothing to do with my like or dislike of church, just some of the idiosyncrasies that come with being the church-going type.  Also, in full disclosure, there are a lot of things on this list that absolutely didn't come from church - probably one of my disgusting or weird friends I would guess (and you know who you are).  So with that, I give you a segment I will call:

Please, I implore you, don't ever say any of these words or phrases again.

1) "With every fiber of my being"
2) "Blessing in disguise"
3) "Gird up your loins"
4) "In my heart of hearts"
5) "Just sayin"
6) amazeballs
7) moist
8) supple
9) panties
10) lactating
11) fetching

I am actually dry heaving into a napkin as I type this list....

Let's move on to something more important and less nostril flaring:


Seeings how it is Mustache March, I have been noticing a lot more mustaches being sported here and there. This excites me.  I have been known to sport a mustache myself every now and then.

There is a new group that has been coming to the gym lately.  After talking to them I learned that they are the owners and staff from the Electric Run.  One fine gentleman in particular walked through the door the first day that I had seen them and I immediately pointed at him and laughed really loud.  He had an insanely substantial mustache that I was absolutely sure was fake.  Obviously he was wearing it so that I would point and laugh.  Wrong.  It is mustache march and that baby was the real deal.  This made me like him even more.  I had to get a picture with him.

Tommy has been know to dabble in the mustache world.  That boy has been growing facial hair since he was in little league.  His office recently had lumberjack day (don't ask me what this is or why).  I think they basically grew out their beards for a week or two and ate waffles.  All he has to do is hold his breath and squeeze and tree trunk sized hairs rip through his facial skin.  All man baby.  My favorite part of his beard growing season is the game he likes to play whilst shaving off said beard.  I like to call it "how many disgusting mustaches can you trim out of one shaving to ensure that your wife squirms with uncomfortableness."

I love to hate the mustache.  

Homemade banana ice-cream in a bag.


Since I am really cramming my poor innards with a ludicrous amount of bananas lately, I thought I'd take it up a notch with some homemade banana ice cream today. This task's purpose was twofold:

1) I have been such a rotten barf nugget to my kids all weekend that I needed to assure them and myself that there is a decent human inside this cold encasing shrouded by scowling beady eyed looks (I call this "See kids, I AM good mom" insurance).
2) My kids wanted a treat (read: I wanted a treat).

And with that, I give you:

How to make homemade banana ice-cream in a bag (trumpet sound):

Yields: 1 single serving

Items needed:
  1. Ingredients (listed below)
  2. Two small sealable freezer bags
  3. One large sealable freezer bag
  4. 4 cups crushed ice
  5. 4 tablespoons salt
  • 1/2 cup milk (works best with whole milk but I used 1%)
  • 1 t. Truvia
  • 1/2 t. pure vanilla
  • 1/2 banana, sliced
  1. Pour the milk, Truvia, vanilla and bananas into a small bag.  Zip up the bag, making sure there is not too much air left inside.
  2. Put this bag inside the other small bag and seal it up, squeezing out any excess air.
  3. Put the crushed ice into the large sealable bag and sprinkle it with the salt.  
  4. Place the smaller bags in the middle of the ice and seal the large bag, making sure all excess air is out.
  5. Wrap the bag in a towel (or put on warm gloves) and shake and squish the bags, making sure the ice surrounds the ice-cream mixture.  It should take about 10 minutes for the mixture to freeze.
  6. Once the ice-cream has reached a desired consistency, open the bags and dish is into a bowl using a spoon.  

I like my bananas in bigger chunks because I like their consistency when they are frozen, but cut 'em to however tickles your fancy.

We turned on some music and my girls shook their bags to a little One Direction (London got the CD from a friend for her birthday and i'm pretty sure my ears are bleeding).

This is how much comes out of one yield.  It is the perfect size to make you full and satisfied.

I threw in some blueberries after the fact for a little tart flavor.  Maybe I should have added some Metamucil to counteract all the bananas my body is trying to process.  

And that, my friends, is how to keep your kids entertained and your sweet tooth satisfied in a reasonably healthy way.  

Upcoming post preview: Phrases that make my tooth sockets burn with displeasure.

Greek Yogurt & Banana Pancakes

Last night I had decided that I was going to take a day off the gym this morning and try to sleep in.  My kids woke up at 7:00am (I usually have to drag them out of bed at 7:45 for school on weekdays).  As I laid in bed trying to decide if I was going to be ornery (status quo) or deal with it, I decided I'd get up and use the extra time to try a new breakfast recipe.  And this is what spawned from my unfortunate early morning:

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I used a recipe I had for sour cream and banana pancakes and healthitized it. 

Greek Yogurt & Banana Pancakes

  • 1 1/2 C whole wheat flour
  • 3 1/2 t. Stevia or Truvia
  • 2 t. baking powder
  • 1 1/2 t. sea salt
  • 1  sm. container of any flavor Trader Joes greek yogurt (I used strawberry) or about 1/2 cup
  • 1/4 C plus 2 T. almond milk
  • 2 large eggs
  • 1 t. pure vanilla extract
  • unsalted butter
  • 2 ripe bananas, diced
  • Pure maple syrup or topping of choice
  1. In a medium bowl, mix together flour, Stevia, baking powder and salt
  2. In a separate bowl, stir together greek yogurt, almond milk, eggs and vanilla.
  3. Add wet ingredients to the dry, mixing only until combined. (mixture is thicker than regular pancake batter)
  4. Melt 1 T. butter on a griddle at 300 degrees. 
  5. Scoop batter onto griddle to desire sized of pancake.
  6. Distribute a rounded T. of bananas on top of the pancake and use the back of the spoon to lightly press down on top and help flatten pancake.
  7. Cook for 2 to 3 minutes until nicely browned.
  8. Flip the pancake and brown on other side for about 1 minute.
  9. Rebutter the griddle before adding more batter.
  10. Serve with sliced bananas, butter and pure maple syrup.
Yields: 8 pancakes
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I forgot the almond milk in this pic. It’s my first recipe post so please allow me a little room for stupidity.
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I used strawberry flavored greek yogurt which you could slightly taste in end product. 
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I thought the batter turned out to be a little too thick and will thin it out and tweak the recipe for next time.  They still turned out yum.
03-09-13 031 
I diced my bananas smaller so that they wouldn’t make the pancake taste soggy.
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When you scoop the batter onto the griddle, it is thick enough that it doesn’t spread well.  Scoop the bananas on top of the clump of batter and then use the back of the spoon to press down on the top and flatten a bit.  If you try to before you top with bananas, the batter will just stick to the spoon.
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These babies and are thick and hearty.  I was stuffed after two.
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My kids even ate these and they don’t like anything that is out of the standard Bisquick pancakes or waffles! 


1) What is your favorite healthy spin on a regular breakfast dish?

Why yes, that is a small animal down my shirt.

Why is it so hard for kids to close doors when they leave the house?

I just about rent my clothes after walking by the wide open garage door for the 3rd time today.  Yep, 3rd.  I love my kids but they are a little challenged.  That is my nice way of saying that they are retarded.  

My post today was supposed to be my first recipe.  It's my favorite pre-race breakfast.  And no, i'm not racing today.  I did heave my body up and down a 2 mile long hill over and over for 1 hr 15 minutes in prep for R2R (this is what I shall type when referring to Rim to Rim henceforth and forevermore).  But since I knew i'd be getting up early, I decided that I would make my favorite overnight slow cooker oats.  They are the perfect pre-run fuel when you want to roll out of bed at the last possible second and get out the door.  I am ashamed to inform you that I realized after the fact that I hadn't done the whole step by step picture thing that seems like the appropriate blogger etiquette for recipes.  Fail.  So I am not giving you my amazing recipe just yet.  You get this picture of me working out in a diaper instead:

It was a box jumps day.  Enough said.
I decided to take Sugar with me for a night out on the town.  And when I say night out on the town, I mean a day out at the grocery store and dentist office (seems to be my favorite place lately).  Sugar is our pet sugar glider.  For those that have never heard of a sugar glider, they are a marsupial native to New Zealand.  The easiest way to describe them is like a smallish flying squirrel.  

Meet Sugar:

We first heard about them back when Tommy owned a water treatment business.  He would have a booth at most home shows, which is where he came across a delightfully crazy sugar glider breeder from Texas.  I am not usually a fan of small cage pets.  They stink and they don't do anything.  I was sold on the idea of a sugar glider because:
A) They are a marsupial and therefore don't have that rodent smell.
B) They clean themselves like a cat so you don't have to groom them.
C) They are a social animal and once bonded to you, they love to snuggle with you.
D) Their diet consists mainly of fruits and veggies so I just feed her whatever we are eating for the day.
F) They have freaking flaps of skin connected to their arms and legs so they glide like a flying squirrel! 
G) Other than giving them a little attention each day, they are content to hang out in their cage and curl up in an old sock.

She fell asleep in Tommy's hand like this.  I promise she's not dead.
I was the crazy animal lady today.  I wore her in a pouch around my neck everywhere.  I don't do it often but the little lady needed some loving and what better way to show my love than to nuzzle her against my bosom.

Speaking of animals: 

It's time for my next giveaway!!!  I would like to thank the top shelf of my garage for being my generous sponsor.  All you have to do to win this bad boy is guess what kind of animal used to live in it.  

That is all for now.  I just snagged some tickets to take my girls to see Odyssey Dance Theater's hip hop version of Romeo+Juliet tonight.  


1) Have you ever owned an unusual pet?

2) Have you ever worked out in a diaper?  We are in the circle of honesty here.  

Heavy lifting and colon therapy, anyone?

First off, huge news in the flash sale world:

Colon hydrotherapy?  Sounds like shoving water up places that shouldn't have water shoved up them.  No thanks.

I have been in the hot seat with my 4 year old lately.  My hot seat being my seat in the car.  It seems like she has really wanted to dive into some extremely philosophical conversations while we are driving lately and I don't know how the hell to answer them in a way that will make sense to a 4 year old.  Take, for example:

Indie: "Mom, why is it okay for a boy to see your private parts when you have a baby?"
Me: "Well because he's a doctor and he's trained to deliver lots of babies every day."
Indie: "So does he see lots of private parts every day then?"
Me: "Why yes, yes he does....."

Or our conversation on the way to the gym this morning:

Indie: "Mom, did Heavenly Father create the whole earth?"
Me: "Yes, I believe he did."
Indie: "Did he use his hands or did he use lasers from his eyes?"
Me: "Hmmm, well I'm not really sure but I think I can rule out laser eyes.  Because he is God, he has special powers and he can just think things and they will appear."
Indie: "Is it like magic?"
Me: "Ya, sort of like magic."
Indie: "So does that mean he can see us all the time?"
Me: "Yes"
Indie: "Does that mean he can see me when I use the bathroom?"
Me: "........."

This is about where my good ideas run out.

SURPRISE!  I went to the gym this morning.  Tuesdays are typically my heavier lifting days at GPP.  I love/hate them.  I love them because they have some pretty cool effects on the body that you can't get from doing cardio/circuit training.  A lot of this has to do with the effect that heavy lifting has for important hormonal secretion/reception.  Short bouts of high-intensity exercise release Human Growth Hormone, Adrenaline, Testosterone (important in females too), and Serotonin to name a few.  These all contribute to weight loss, muscle definition, increases in performance and the ability to fight off diseases and illness.  I hate Tuesdays because they usually require some sort of coordination or an ability to not be a pansy and I usually lose at both of these.  But nonetheless, I have been slugging them out for over 3 years and I can't deny the positive results.

I also love that I have been able to teach my kids the importance of weight lifting in fitness (even if just by example - Jonah is the blondie on the right).  Maybe a little of it will rub off on them...
Neil (owner and trainer at GPP Fitness) wrote a great article about why it is important to include heavy lifting in your weekly workout routine.  You should read it - it's short and very interesting.  Click here.    

Another reason I like Tuesdays: it's one of the few days that I can actually do my hair in the morning and not completely sweat it out like a hippo in a sauna.  Unfortunately for myself, I realize that the only people that are going to appreciate my efforts in terms of hygiene are myself and the teenager at the checkout aisle.  Or, as today went, I realize that i'm a moron for trying because I went for a run this afternoon and it looks like poo anyway:

Moral of the story: ponytails and sweatpants for life.  I have a closet full of stilettos and clothery of a "womanly" nature but you'll only get to see me wearing them about once a year.  I do actually curl my hair sometimes.  But you'll never know that.  I am a large and sweaty man at heart.      

Since I have been getting back into some outside running, I have been on the hunt for some new running music.  I have over 1200 songs in my iTunes library and I am pretty sick of almost all of them.  Even though I am constantly revamping my playlist with new music as it comes out, I have a list of my top 20 all time favorite running songs that stay on the playlist:

Top 20 all-time favorite running songs:
These are a must have on my iPod during any race:

1)   Lazy Eye by Silversun Pickups
2)   All Over You by The Spill Canvas
3)   Dashboard by Modest Mouse
4)   Island by The Starting Line
5)   Painted by Numbers by The Sounds
6)   Major Tom by Shiny Toy Guns
7)   Pain by Jimmy Eat World
8)   Stronger by Kanye West
9)   Lose Yourself by Eminem
10) Chances by Five for Fighting
11) Galvanize by The Chemical Brothers
12) Everlong by Foo Fighters
13) Ghosts N Stuff by Deadmau5
14) Tiptoe by Imagine Dragons
15) Gold Guns Girls by Metric
16) Not in Love by Crystal Castles
17) Till I Collapse by Eminem (GREAT song to start at the bottom of a nasty hill)
18) The Fighter by Gym Class Heroes
19) The Resolution by Jack's Mannequin
20) Power by Kanye West

That tis be all for now.


1) What is your favorite running song (or gym song)?

2) Will you please help me explain to a 4 year old why it's okay for a grown man to view my lady parts?  A doctor, that is...